Ya know, vegans love to use arguments of animal adulation like “If you love animals the don’t eat them” or “Why love one but eat the other?”. They post images interpreted through anthropomorphic lenses as exemplified in my very first post on Pythagorean Crank: Ravenous Monkey Escapes Circus and Eats Puppy. Narrations accompanying such pictures often talk up the natural goodness of animals along with a dose of misanthropic lamentations. Even people who use and kill animals will fall into this trap exalting the value of animals while munching on a burger. Living with cognitive dissonance is a part of the human condition and we’re pretty good at it. The thing is though, this is a shitty argument either way you look at it.
I for one must come out of the closet and admit: I fucking hate animals.
Ok, maybe that was too harsh but if I hear one more vegan gushing about their “fur babies” or witness another human-pooch lick-a-tongue kiss I’m gonna puke my vegan lunch. C’mon though, animals don’t give a shit like The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger. They crap wherever they want and piss and puke and they don’t clean that up or pay any rent. Oh, and that’s just the domestic ones we live with! Ever try to get a kangaroo to flush the toilet? Fuhget about it!
When it comes to nonhumans, we don’t need to make loving them a qualification for their consideration. It doesn’t matter how valuable they are to humans. They don’t need our patronizing crumbs of compassion based upon a misinterpreted action, picture or physical cuteness. It’s enough that we all find ourselves stranded upon this watery rock in space and we should learn to just get along. Justice doesn’t require a special love for animals and when the animal love orgy starts, I always find myself particularly left out.
If we are to continue to look at internet videos and pictures as examples of animal greatness then we mustn’t ignore the less favorable ones. I’m not talking just about when you see a lion take down a gazelle or an orca chowin down a bowlful of penguins. I’m talking about those unusual examples like when we see a “monkey saving a puppy”. For instance:
**ALERT: shocking non-vegan video ahead**
Why oh goddamn why would a cute ass bambi deer EAT A DAMN BIRD?!
Oh see, that deer is such an asshole! We should hand out guns to people to go and hunt every last one of them! Skin them alive I say, right?!
**TRIGGER WARNING: video of sexual violence**
Oh, and what have we here? A chimp doing… WHAT?! to a frog?!
Holy WTFF! Chimps are all bastards and we should lock em all up in testing facilities and pour bleach in their eyes. Goddamn!
Humans are so civilized and morally upstanding compared to these dispicable brutes.
Of course, that’s not true now though, right? Stereotyping works both ways and neither makes a good argument for or against a species as a whole.
Ok, so for real, I admit that I have had some meaningful relationships with nonhuman animals and loved them to bits. I do think every creature on this Earth is amazing and regardless of what they mean to me they should be recognized as having interests. Pandering to our own selfish preferences doesn’t seem very “animal loving” to me. If that’s your deal though, wouldn’t it better serve the animal’s interest by not making your preference an exclusionary requirement for fair treatment?
Perhaps somebody likes animals and perhaps they can’t stand them. In either case there is a good case for fairness. Shouldn’t that be the focus?